Starting my own business and building it full time has been tough! Two years ago, I left my full-time job in public relations to do my own thing. My job was stressful, and it was literally making me sick – mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I didn’t have another job lined up, I didn’t know what I was going to do, I just knew that I needed to do something different, and quick. I took a BIG leap of faith and have felt the most free I have ever been in my entire life!
What’s weird about this freedom though, is that it can be debilitating. Now I know that it might not make sense that freedom can hold you back or keep you from doing something, but it can, if you don’t realize its purpose.
In other words, having the freedom to do what you want, when you want and how you want means that there are so many choices, too many that you don’t have time to process or figure out what to do when you’re going through the motions of life, when you’re doing what needs to be done (to pay bills, survive, “adult”, etc.) instead of listening to God through your intuition; tuning in to what it is you really need and desire; taking a hard look at what will truly make you happy.
Sometimes I feel like I need to be doing more to make up the income I lost when I left my 9 to 5 gig. However, everything I have tried – applying for jobs on my own, with creative talent agencies, etc. has not worked out. These doors have been closed for me repeatedly, so I believe that this is a sign that I need to stop trying and just focus on me. Focus on healing; building discipline; creating the habits that will help me reach my dreams.
Going freelance has opened my eyes to my potential, to the doors that are there for me to open, to the opportunities that await. To the life that I can build for myself without permission from anyone.
But it has also revealed my unresolved pain, issues and insecurities. There’s nothing to hide behind when everything is on you; when you’ve broken out of the box; when you’re constantly taking a look into the mirror, because you realize that the life you live is a reflection of you. I can’t hide behind my cubicle, my position, or working 40 plus hours. There’s nothing to hide behind when you’re exposed. Nothing at all.
I’ve also found that it’s difficult to ignore yourself, your emotions and how life is affecting you, when everything you desire is linked to the health of your entire being.
Over the last several weeks, I have been feeling depressed on and off. I don’t really know why, but I think that I’m starting to figure it out. I have been through so much in the last year that I can’t even feel it – the pain, the grief, the change, the unknown.
Next month will mark the first year anniversary of the fifth family member who died between February and June of 2016. Losing people in your life back to back, month to month, is difficult. I didn’t know what grieving meant, felt like, or looked like until I had to stare it in the face for five months straight.
I’ve realized that while some of my broken pieces are healing, I am still grieving. It’s a weird, interesting space to be in. It’s like a cut with a scab on one finger but a fresh cut on the one next to it. The load of it all is overwhelming.
All I want to do some days is nothing. All I want to do is sit and watch TV and movies, eat, or just curl up in bed and sleep. In an exhausting cycle, I gain and lose interest in the things that I used to be sure that I wanted, that I was excited about.
I feel so much, but then I also feel nothing. A sensitive person feeling nothing is alien. It’s brutal. However, there is a light that constantly shines on me from the darkness within.
What keeps me going is my dream, my destiny, the purpose that God has put in me, designed in my being. I am meant for something great, great things are waiting to be birthed from my soul. Sometimes I know without a doubt what my dream and purpose is, then other times I feel like I have no clue.
What I am seeking in life is to be full of everything I am meant to be. To live a life that fills my heart, soul and mind. I want to live a fulfilling life. At times I don’t even know what’s fulfilling for me, but I want to find out. I want to discover it. I want to live it.
I want an existence that lives and breathes on its own. I want to say eff everything, and pack up and move across the world, and have conversations with the stars at midnight, and hear God whisper in the roars of the ocean. I want to watch the birds fly across the blue sky, and melt my feet into warm, healing sand.
I know that everything will get better soon. I know that my pain is meant to birth my purpose, to inform me, to lead me, to free me. The storm will be over soon. The rainbow is peeking through the clouds. It’s just a matter of time for the sun to shine too.
Even though I feel like I want to do something and don’t know what to do, I’ve accepted that now is the time for me to be still. To seek and listen to God. To follow and trust my Creator one step at a time. To let all of my cares go and just breathe. To take care of myself. To love myself. To do what feeds my soul. To build myself. To learn how to trust and believe in myself.
I’m not alone. I will never be alone. And the same goes for you.
So, if you don’t know what to do, then you’re not ready to do anything. So don’t. Just be. Exist. Take this time to tune in, listen, observe and seek the one who created you and what was created in you.
Be loved. Love you. Be love.
*Photo Credit: Brown Girl Bloggers